I realized yesterday that I can do that now. And I do do it now. I've crossed into the usage of adult reminiscence without realizing it. The child within me smiled at reaching her so-far-off goal, but the adult (yes, friends, it does exist) softly demanded that I address the bittersweetness of my realization: having different epochs in my life not only means I've been afforded an array of experiences, but I have taken leave of many places and people.
"This too shall pass" has become my mantra through difficult trials, and a warning reminder during the blissful days. I believe that all good things come to an end. That sounds pessimistic. But it's true, just as true as the fact that all difficulties pass. And that is not to say that a new happiness and other hardships will not repeatedly appear, because they will, but circumstances in this transitory world have a habit of fleeing more than they do sticking around. Perhaps much of that reputation exists because of human choices, selfishness, and pride, but that's a tangent I'll devote another post to. (Probably not, but I could devote an entire post to it).
Repeating that phrase to myself, however, never quite prepares me for the departing drives, or flights, or trains, during which I have ample time to reflect on my most recent past. The drive from Utah to Indiana a little over a year ago was quite wrenching; thankfully the drive from Indiana to Connecticut this week was less so, but still afforded me an excess of pensive moments.
I thought about the lovely owners of a small, but bustling, breakfast and lunch joint that took a chance on a girl who's only bargaining chip was, "I just feel like I need to be here." I thought about the addition of a second job and the time and energy it ate up, but also the knowledge it came to impart. I thought about coworkers who became--in both the worst and best senses of the word--family. I thought about late night talks and unrequited feelings and frustration. I pondered the difficulty of upholding my beliefs and the inner battle to adequately feed a famished and ravenous testimony. I remembered laughing fits and dance moves and good conversation. I thought of my personal downfalls and my quiet triumphs, and about sincere declarations of respect that touched me deeply. I dwelt upon midnight forays into bars and letting my walls down with a water glass in hand; I dwelt on where I fit in and with whom, and where I did not. (Those thoughts, as a practicing Mormon, have always surprised me. In an unexpectedly good way.)
I wrestled with of all these things and felt many, many emotions. But ultimately I felt gratitude, a great deal of gratitude. Gratitude for the divine guidance that led me to people I will always care about, gratitude for those people and their outstanding caliber, and gratitude for growth.
Indiana was not what I expected, and I'm not sure I can say that it was what I needed, either, without projecting that all of my choices were the best ones possible--because they weren't. But that's the amazing thing about Heavenly Father, He took my flawed choices and turned them into experiences and circumstances that I could draw knowledge and wisdom from, and with that I do agree. I have left Indiana holding more knowledge than I entered with, and I'm satisfied with that take-away because I believe it was divinely steered.
I don't know if I'm done with Indiana yet. (Three weeks ago I didn't know I'd be in Taiwan at the end of the month...so, honestly, how realistic can it be that I would know where I'll end up in six months?) But I will always associate it with my Rosie's family, and my Roadhouse crew, and the unforeseen friends who turned out to be the silver lining in what was a challenging year. And my loving dad with whom I got to live out another year--which family circumstance bamboozled us of over half a decade ago.
I am beyond excited to set out on my newest adventure, I know it will be challenging, and fun, and filled with growth. I shall take it on with a smile as I tell people stories of "back when I lived in Indiana...", and one day I know I will perpetuate my Asian teaching experience with another smile as I explain to my family of "when I first moved to Taiwan..."
"Each person grows not only by her own talents and development of her inner beliefs,
but also by what she receives from the persons around her."
--Iris Haberli
